


nothing here is broken, everything is wild

by okayantigone



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Family Drama, Gen, Heaven's Arena Arc (Hunter X Hunter), Hunter Exam (Hunter X Hunter), M/M, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2019-11-08 22:11:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17989433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okayantigone/pseuds/okayantigone
Summary: desperate to keep gon from taking the hunter exam and risking his life, mito admits to a secret she'd been keeping for ten long years - she has ging's diary, from the time he had gon, and a possible lead on gon's other father - a red haired circus acrobat named hisoka. it's an all-around safer bet to find a circus performer, than go hunting for one of the most dangerous men in the world, right?





	1. you'll surely die here, if you stay

**Author's Note:**

  * For [crownsandbirds](https://archiveofourown.org/users/crownsandbirds/gifts), [silverhedges](https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverhedges/gifts).



> title is inspired by tania hershman's poetry collection title "nothing here is wild, everything is open"
> 
> this fic goes out to my son jean, and his wife silver. happy year of the ging ya rascals!

mito just wants to protect the child. that’s it, simple as that. it’s all she has ever wanted. to keep gon safe, to raise him well. she wants him to be happy, and content, the way ging never was here. she wants to raise a boy who will love whale island, and it’s horizon just enough to never want to see what happens beyond it.

and yet, she knows she can’t keep him from this vast, wide, open world that beckons from beyond the port, that had swallowed his father whole, and spat him out years later, haggard and broken in ways she’d never seen him, with a baby on his hip, asking her to please help him not make the mistakes that cast him out at sea.

of course she did. but now gon is growing up into ging’s smiling shadow, and there is a desperation that claws at his heart, and she doesn’t know how to fix it, just like she didn’t know how to fix ging, and she knows she will not be enough to keep him here, just like she wasn’t enough to keep ging here.

she just wants the boy to be safe. to be whole. unbroken. but a boy needs his father, and gon needs ging like ging needs the open air. it would be cruel to keep him here, crueller still to let him leave. she has tried her best, but gon’s eyes are so bright, so unbroken still, trusting, thirsty. he is eager to embrace the whole world, and waiting for the world to embrace him back. and if he leaves, she can't protect him, and she can't keep him safe, and this very same world will do the same to him that it did to ging. 

he brings her the king of the lake, bright, his smile so impossibly wide, the echoes of ging in his laughter, and in his smile, as though by leaving ging, those very same things had somehow been transferred to his son, untoughed, umbilical magic. 

"i am going to take the hunter's exam," he says, "you promised." 

she doesn't want to be a liar, doesn't want him to think of her as a liar, but her heart breaks all the same. if he fails the exam, he will come back, broken hearted. but he won't fail, like ging didn't fail, and she dreads that the next time she sees him, he too will be defeated by life, unmade in ways she can't even begin to comprehend. 

isn't it nice here, she wants to say, why don't you stay here, is it not enough - to be on this island, to have a home, and a mother who loves you very much. 

he chatters all the way through his dinner, with his mouth full, sending bits of mashed potatoes flying, when he talks about the exam, and how he thinks it will be like. excited and hopeful to meet a boy his age, maybe. cheerful with the warmth of being close to a father, who is so, so far away. god, let her keep this child safe, give her the strength to save at least one of them. 

she walks into his room, while he's packing his bag, excited still, his whole little body thrumming with restless energy. she knocks on the door frame, and he turns to her, brighter than the sun. 

"gon," she says carefully. she's planned the whole speech out in her head, she knows exactly what she wants to say and how she wants to say it. she doesn't want to stop him, she's knows she can't if she tried - and if she did, he might never forgive her. this is the crux of the matter, isn't it? to let gon go, and be crushed in the world, or make him stay, knowing he'll hate for it?

her mother had sometimes said, when she was a girl, that hell is the day your children decide they no longer need you. like ging had decided he no longer needed them. bug gon wasn't her child, so this wasn't her hell. and if hell was a child who did not need you anymore, then was ging living in a heaven, of being wanted so desperately, with such a pure, simple love? 

"mito-san!" he chirps brightly, and turns to face her with an armful of first aid supplies. oh, her smart, clever boy. 

"gon, you know i promised i'd let you take the hunter exam if you can catch the king of the lake. and i'm not going to break my promise to you," she begins. his face falls, a little bit, like he can sense the but that's coming. she isn't going to be made a liar. 

"i just," here she has to take a breath, tinged with the smell of whale island sea salt. she'd never been off the island in her life - she doesn't ever want to be off it, she doesn't know what's so, so precious about the great beyond, and she doesn't want to know, after seeing what it did to ging, her bright, brilliant cousin, who used to come back, infrequent as the winter sun, but returning nonetheless, with new stories, with new faces, new names, of his friends, and students, new magical tales from the countries he'd visited, and she'd sit and listen to him, but then his smiles became rarer than his visits, and his visits turned to letters, and then the letters stopped. 

"i'm worried about you," she says, at last. "the other people in the exam will be a lot older." 

she's said it before, and it puts gon at ease, that she's merely repeating her old cautions, which he knows, which he will dismiss, easy and out of hand, with no malice, not even out of rebellion, but simply because he doesn't believe rules apply to him. 

"i will be fine," he reassures, though she certainly doubts it. he has never, in his short beautiful life, walked away from anything, despite her best attempts to teach him how. the only thing he wants to walk away from is this home. maybe that's what happened to ging too. maybe he tried ot walk away from the world, and couldn't. and the one fight he could stand to lose, the one challenge he chose to give up on was raising gon, and she can't even blame him for it, except for the fact that now he's taking gon away, and he isn't even here, and the letters haven't arrived in years, though the checks always do, and she picks them up from the post office, dirty money she doesn't need, but puts under her mattress anyway. they came in handy, loathe as she is to admit it, when the winter storm blew out their roof a few years back. 

"gon," she repeats. she goes on her knees, the skirts of her dress flaring around her as she does. it's easier to be eye level with him, and she reaches to grasp his callused hands. "i want you to think about taking the hunter exam next year." 

"mito-san, you promised," he doesn't whine, he's never been a whiner, but it's a close thing. it makes her smile. 

"what if i told you, i may have another way to help you find your dad," she lowers her voice, consipratory. abe doesn't know about this. it's been a secret she kept for so, so long. 

gon's eyes go big. "other than the exam?" 

"yes," she says. she hopes ging forgives her, but doesn't particularly care if he doesn't, because she's not sure she ever forgave him. 

"you know how… babies are made?" she begins. of course he knows. he helped her birth enough baby cows, and took care of enough stray kittens to know. and of course, abe did sit him down with an old biology book from the school in town. she'd thought about telling him herself, but the idea of talking about it had made her face burn, and her old, half-forgotten stutter return. thank god for grandma. 

gon frowns and nods. "sure i do." he looks confused, like he isn't sure where this is going. 

"what if i told you i can help you find… your other parent?" 

the crease between gon's brows gets deeper. "my mom? i don't want to find my mom." he gives her a smile so bright and so big it nearly splits her heart in two. "i have you!" 

"not your mom. your um… your other dad." she intones carefully. 

the confused look returns. "i have two dads?" 

"well. yes. see ging is…" a girl? no. that's wrong. for as long as she could remember, ging was ging - her very loud, ramboucious boy-cousin. "well, ging is a special type of boy. the kind that can have a baby." 

gon's frown is there, ever-present. she really isn't explaining it right. maybe when gon finds ging, he can explain it his own damn self. "the point is," she says quickly. "you have another dad. he's not a hunter though. and i thought, maybe he'll be easier to find. and maybe he'll know where ging is." 

there - no need for him to go killing himself in a rush for power and money that so few people survive it's a miracle if a canddiate from the island makes his way back. ging had been the one - the only. a surprise to anyone but her. she'd always believed in him. maybe she should have been less encouraging, and more vocally skeptical, and this whole mess would have been avoided. 

gon is looking at her like she has two heads. please, she thinks, don't let him be mad at me. but he looks so, so hopeful, it makes her feel like a real live monster. maybe she should have let him know sooner. damn ging and his secrets. 

"when ging came here with you, he forgot this," she says, and pulls the beat up journal from the skirts of her dress. it's another white lie, that hopefully she will be forgiven one day. ging hadn't forgotten anything. she'd swiped it from the pile of his stuff, brought to the point of angry tears by the vastness of his carelessness. she'd wanted something. some tangible, physical proof that he'd been here, that he'd said the thigns he'd said and done the things he'd done. 

"that's his journal, from the time he had you," she explains. "and it's your now."

she'd leafed through it, so many times. there had been a few insistent letters, where she could read the anxiety in ging's chicken scrawl, demanding that she and abe make absolutely sure his journal wasn't in the house. and she'd told him a million times that it wasn't. sent him a few pictures of gon, that he'd said he didn't want. she always came back to the last few entires, about the circus performer with the red hair. 

gon could look for that man for years, and not find him, just how he could look for ging for years and not find him, but only one of the two also entailed participating in a death tournament for glory. how hard could it be to track down a travelling acrobat? how dangerous could a travelling acrobat possibly be, as compared to the world ging walked through, which even in his more exciteable youth, he'd described cheerfully as a viper pit. "only when pariston is in town though. usually, it's very calm and fun and fresh." 

she hadn't believed him for a second. ging couldn't stand being bored, and if he was bored, he made his own entertainment. she was, in fact, willing to bed that the hunter world hadn't been quite as much as a viper pit before he'd joined it. 

"well," she says, patting gon on his unruly head. "i hope you at least think about it, gon." 

she leaves, before she can start crying. 

the next morning, when gon comes down the stairs, he is quiet and subdued. there's deep purple shadows under his eyes. he must have stayed up all night reading. 

"i'm not going to look for ging," he says. his voice is softer than she's ever heard it. "i'm going to stay here. i need to read this again." 

"oh?" she tries ot to show how much it sets her heart soaring. she piles his plate high with eggs and bacon. abe's look is very, very disapproving, but mito is tired of feeling like a naughty child for trying to keep this family whole. 

"i'm going to find hisoka instead," gon says. "if ging left me here… maybe he really didn't want to be tied down with a child… maybe he won't be happy to see him when i find him." 

he sounds like it's the first time he's ever thought about it that way. mito hates herself a little then, but that bit of self-loathing clashes with the triumph of getting to chip a little at the golden pedestal of ging, when she and abe and a whole village were right there for gon. 

"from what ging wrote, it doesn't sound like hisoka knew he was a father, gon continues, carefully stuffing his mouth with the scrambled eggs and washing them down with milk. "so maybe he's going to be happy to see me. maybe he'll even know where ging is." 

gon pauses, to shove an entire slice of toast in his mouth, and then top it off with bacon and maple syrup straight out of the container. 

"and if he doesn't know, or doesn't want to help, then i'm going to take the hunter exam next year, and find ging anyway." he finishes his milk, and reaches for the orange juice. 

"i didn't have a father for such a long time. i think i can last another year."


	2. gamin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a diary entry from ging, and the first time we see hisoka mentioned

_ the weather today is nice - not a lot of wind, though it's still unbearably dry. p. has not stopped complaining - he says the heat is bad for his skin, though to me he is looking more beautiful than ever. i don't reckon i'll ever tell him that.  _

 

_ we are set tonight, to go to a perfomance. p. was quite pleased he had gotten us tickets - it is, i understand, an incredible troupe of performers from the united states of saherta. the glam gas travellers - m. did call them gypsies but i admonished him - are, i know, incredible to look at. p. wants us to have our fortunes told, if they have a fortune teller, though i know he doesn't believe in it. he is ever so sweet to humor me.  _

 

_ it should be a good time, regardless, and i am excited to show k. he hasn't seen a lot of things, and i want him to see as many beautiful sights as possible. he is shy still, and skittish - i do not think he was very pleased that p. insisted in paying all of our tickets, but i explained that it makes p. feel good to be able to do it for us. i am going out now, to talk to our tour guide about showing us to the ruins the day after tomorrow. people here dont like to talk about the old city, which only makes me curiouser and curiouser.  _

 

_ \--- i have returned! and how wonderful the night was - truly, p. has outdone himself in finding us places so very close to the main ring. there wasn't a fortune teller, but a girl in the most beautiful, colorful silks played a yorbian guitar and sang extraordinary songs - traveller legends. i managed to write some of them down on my napkin, and will copy them here as soon as i have a minute! but oh - the show was magnificent - they had all sorts of exotic beasts - which granted, i have mostly seen- but it was amusing to see the grotean lion dance to children's songs! k. was sad - he was worried the animals were hurting, but the ring master assured us that they are treated well after - i don't know how p. managed to get us in the main performer tent to speak to him about it. i think his heart is very soft for k, and it pleases me to see it. i hope he does not turn cruel about it, as he is wont to do. i will not stand for it. neither will m. or any of the others.  _

 

_ but what joy! there was an aerial silk dancer - a most extraordinary young boy, with the brightest red hair i have ever seen. he dropped nearly fifty feet from the high-top tent, with no net to anchor him! i think i gasped - i had to activate my gyo, to be sure - he didn't have any anchor, beyond the silks! he jumped, and flipped through the air, and sommersaulted, and it was magnificent. then he landed on his feet - like a cat - and when he walked to us, i could certainly see - he was a most extraordinarily handsome young man.  _

 

_ he performed some wonderful feats of magic, with cards, and then with knives, which he threw at the girl with the guitar with such accuracy, not applauding him would have been a crime.  _

 

_ when we spoke to the ringmaster, he was in the room, practicing a very lovely floor routine, while the girl played a beat for him. he came to us, i think curious. i had to tell the ringmaster i'd enjoyed his performance, and he heard me say it. he has the most beautiful mouth i have seen - and up close i could see - his eyes are extraordinarily cruel. his smile reminds me of p. he said some words - i am not wholly sure, but i think the gist was extremely suggestive, and it made k. blush and hide his face.  _

 

_ i assumed he was talking to p. or maybe m. - men often do. but he was looking at me. well - i think i lost my chance anyhow - he must have taken my lack of response for disinterest, because he left after that, and watching him wander off was as much a pleasure, as seeing him twirl in the air.  _

 

_ i shall go to see the circus again tomorrow, on my own. i think i may have a chance to transcribe the folk songs better - there was a mention of a village under the sea that may be worth looking into. and i hope to see the youth with the red hair again - truly a very fetching boy - and after that, i suppose we shall away. our tour guide refuses to stay the night with us, so we are looking to make the trek in the day - as early as possible so we may reach before dark, and then he will be leaving us. he insists that way pay upfront. p. found that very amusing. like everyone else here, the guide is afraid, though i cannot fathom as to why. i suppose we will find out, when we reach the ghost city.  _

 

_ \---- _


	3. the first clue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gon begins his search for hisoka.

he can barely contain his energy while he's on the boat. there's only so much he can do to keep from sommersaulting and jumping around all over the place. he may find his father. not ging- the other one. he'd read and reread ging's diary, as much of it as he could, to find every single bit of information abotu the man who may have become his father. for a moment, he'd wondered if maybe it was p. - who his father seemed taken by, or maybe k. - who sounded like a truly wonderful person, but then he'd gotten intot he entries about his father's expedition to a lost city in the deserts of the yorbian continent, and the circus performer he'd met there. small mercies - he'd actually put in a full name for the man, and a stamped, half-torn ticket from entering into the circus on his second night at the performances. 

hisoka. 

that was the name of gon's father. he was an acrobat, and a magician, and an expert at throwing knives. he cheated at dice games, and liked to build castles of cards. he likes eating sweets - as did gon - and played the yorbina guitar - badly. ging had only known him for a week. then he couldn't delay his expedition any longer, and by the time he'd return to the city, the circus was gone, and ging had no way of telling hisoka he was pregnant. with gon. 

it felt so strange to see his own name written in his father's scratchy handwriting. ging had thought about him, dreamt of him. there were lists upon lists of names, some of them scratched out, a few feminine versions, though for the most part, ging had been convinced gon would be a boy. reading the entries where he wondered wether to … terminate …. gon hadn't been easy. the first time he'd cried. terminate was a very big word. a very cold word. his father had decided to keep him, in the end. gon felt badly - he must have felt so alone - he hadn't told any of his friends, not even p. and k. whom he mentioned the most often. he must have been so scared. gon wanted to find him more than anything, and apologize, and tell him it was okay now. he wanted ot reach back in time and tell him it would be okay. if only he could. 

he'd taken the rickety bus from the house into the center of town, and gone into the library, to find all the old papers from the mainland that he could find. there, he spent hours upon hours reading the small letters, looking for any mention of the troupe of circus performers from the capital of pleasures. there probably wouldn't be any mentions of hisoka by name, but there might be advertisements for the troupe, that would let him map out their journey. and then he'd just have to travel to the last city where they performed, and start his search anew. 

there was an article he found. not an advertisement, but a full-page article, with gritty black and white photos, maybe a year or so after he was born. a troupe of travelling performers had all wound up slaughtered. he coud swear his heart had stopped beating. he brought the worn out ticket to compare it to the smudgy photo of the neon lights. it was the same name. he could feel his little heart - now still - dropping to the very pit of his stomach, because it meant his other father - who hadn't even known there was a baby out there somewhere who'd look like him - was dead. 

he forced himself to keep reading. a few survivors had made it out. none of the animals were harmed - gon felt an irrational urge to tell k. before remembering that he had no idea who k. was, or where they were, or anything like that. the local investigators had spoken to one of the acrobats, who claimed to have no knowledge of who could have done such a thing, and then promptly left town. 

there was a chance it was hisoka. or maybe someone who'd known hisoka. but the library on whale island didn't keep all the papers, and they didnt' have any technology that would allow him to search more widely. he'd have to go to the mainland anyway. 

mito seemed just as miserable to see him go, but he promised- firmly, that if he found nothing, he'd come home. she didn't really seem to believe him. she kissed his forehead, and higged him for a long time. and then he was on the boat to the mainland. 

the library was… big. bigger than any other building he'd ever seen. it read NATIONAL TRUST ARCHIVE, and then, there was a smaller inscription, in curving careful letters, "the archive building was renovated and donated to the national trust by ging freecss". 

gon's heart took a hare leap in his chest. his father had built this - almost like he had left it for him to find. he walked in, awed by the high windows, trying to keep the bubbling in his chest from spillingout of his mouth. there were stern librarians in dark clothes who looked at him suspiciously over thick-rimmed glasses, and he had no plans on getting thrown out until he'd found what he was looking for. 

he heads for the newspaper archive section, almost out of habit, before he realizes that there is - in fact - a much better opetion. it simply hadn't been something he could do back on whale island, but here, in a real big, well-equipped library… the possibilities are endless! 

he whips around, and heads for the individual research desks, each of them equipped with a shiny monitor, and keyboards - not new, the letters so well-used they've almost rubbed off the keys, but he doesn't mind. he sits in front of the machine. the school on whale island had one - teachers used it to write out test forms, and print them for the student. but it was also a good way to find out information. the one there was a very old model, and couldn't connect well to network. but here, in this well-equipped library, which his father had helped renovate - 

well. endless possibilities, indeed. except he had no idea how to use it. 

it's only a good hour later, after he'd wandered the floor in search for one of the stern-faced librarians, who all had mysteriously disappeared, the moment he actually needed them, he finally returned to the section. 

"can you please look up a few names for me, please!" he was smiling up at the woman, eager, his entire body thrumming with excitement. he would know. soon, he would know. or maybe he wouldn't know anything, and then he'd just go home, and take the hunter exam next year, and find ging! but that in itself was a comfort too - he knew exactly what he had to do. it was just a matter of doing it. 

"can you search anything about ging freecss?" he asked. he stepped from one foot to the other, rocking side to side, and worrying at his lip while she typed. 

"there's a lot of articles about his work," the librarian said warmly. "he did a lot for our archive work here, you know." 

 

"yup!" gon nodded enthusiastically. "i read the sign up front! i don't suppose there's anything about where he is?" 

 

she frowns. "well. the field work hunters do tends to be highly classified. especially someone as amazing as ging-san. the most recent article is from almost a year ago, and he was in the united states of saherta then." 

gon's heart leaps. saherta… that's where hisoka is from, isn't it? it must mean something! 

he feels almost too big for his skin. this is too important, and he can't possibly impart the importance of it to the lady, regardless of how helpful she is. 

"can you just look up one more thing? a man named hisoka?" 

"hmm," she types the name dubiously. "you wouldn't have a last name for him?" 

"no," he shook his head. there's a part of him- a small one - that's a little mad ging hadn't bothered to include it in his notes. it's as much as mystery as who p. and k. are. "but he's… a magician?" he adds, hesitantly. between acrobatics and fortune telling, and card tricks, hisoka had explicitly described himself as a magician, and that's how ging referred to him in his writing.   
so… magician? 

h i s o k a - m a g i c i a n 

the librarian typed out. gon held his breath while the little icon that indicated the cogs in the machine were turning, and the search was loading slowly rotated. 

finally, the results came up - so many hits on it. 

"there is a floor master at heaven's arena with the name hisoka - " she said, doubtful. her red lips pursed in a line. gon peeked over her shoulder. there was an announcement for hisoka going to … fight? the man in the picture had bright red hair, and the bright golden eyes that ging had described in such loving detail. it had to be him! it couldn't not be him! 

"where is heaven's arena? what is heaven's arena?" 

the librarian sighed, shook her head. she seemed exasperated and done with gon's line of questioning, but it didn't matter. he had his clue. and it was time to head to heaven's arena - wherever that was. it was time to find his father.


	4. diary entry from ging, return from the ruins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ging finds out about the baby

_"it has been some days since i have had a minute to write, and i must say those days have been filled to the brim with so, so much that i will detail at a latter point, but for now what matters is that we have returned to the city, more or less whole, with all limbs attached, etc._

_i have been cleared to leave hospital, though i may well stay another day, while i plan the following steps, and m clears furthering our stay with the hosts, who are unwilling, i think, to allow us to stay after having spent days in the ruins._

_there is also the othe rmatter that has made me reluctant to leave so soon - upon my waking the nurse was kind to inform me that i am stable, indeed, there isn't much wrong with me at all, aside from some scrapes and bruises, dehydration - the all that comes of course, with the territory, but she did express concern for the baby. i did not understand her meaning at first, but it did dawn on me - she had thought i knew - and thought me careless - to have walked my way into the ruins, pregnant. i still can't quite believe it myself, though stranger things have happened. my beautiful, talented magician has done anothe rmagnificent trick - hidden in me - a baby._

_i asked after the circus, but the troupe has left town, and in honesty, i'm not sure what i would have done if they hadn't. hisoka is young still, and seems prone to a life of adventure, the same as i, so i do not believe he would appreciate a tether, especially after an incosequential relation as ours was - a delicate, and lovely thrill, to be sure, but one that has passed, as our expedition did._  
_i am not yet certain what to do, but i am quite calm in the knowledge that i have some time yet, to decide, and will therefore have to weight my options carefully. i am considering, perhaps, writing to grandmother a. for her advice, though i already know what she and m. in w.i. will have to say. there is no one else who i could consider telling. i have made a report of my discoveries to n. on the phone already, and ommitted this little bit - it is, after all, too small and incosequential for now, to be fully put under any consideration while i plan our return._

_i don't believe p. or m. will be very enthusiastic about accompanying me a second time, in fact, i think they may altogether decline - as though we did not have a magnificent time in our initial exploration. it is as though they have little faith in me to bring them all back in one piece - and yet_

_everyone is fine. granted, k. may not wake up from the coma for another few weeks, at least, but all are alive, and have returned. p. is rather cross with me for that, i think, so i have not mentioned the baby yet. i do not know how he will react, when he is so very cross with us all, and me specifically, and it is not his business anyway. he means to make for yorknew next week at latest, and i have to return to the ruins, so i suppose he will find out when he finds out, whenever that is._  
_he has suggested he take the expense of k.'s hospital stay, as he is wont to do - having money pleases him so much it's almost indecent. i have let him do as he pleases - indeed, it is rather good of him to care so much for k._


	5. here be dragons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the child arrives at heaven's arena, ready to kick ass and find his dad

travelling to padokea is the most fun gon has had in… probably his whole entire life. he'd never been off whale island, let alone in a big city, and in the short span of three days he'd been on a boat, a real actual train, an inter-city bus and was now making his way to an air field to board a real, actual, honest to god airship! and those things … were massive!

he'd been surprised at first, when mito-san offered him the money. his journey was his own - he had no intention of being a burden upon her and grandma abe with his whims. he had always planned on finding ging on his own, and the sum she had for him… it was a lot! he couldn't ask for that much money, though it would certainly be useful.

but then she'd told him it was money that ging had sent - for him - well. that was different then, right? ging sent the money, because he wanted it to be used for gon. and mito-san had been saving it for him, all these years- in that moment, gon felt hsi heart surge with so much love he could burst, because mito-san and abe-san were perfect in all the ways in which he could comprehend, and they loved him and wanted him to succeed, and he wanted to - more than anything - find hisoka, and find ging, and bring them to whale island, back to this sun-bathed family.

so he'd taken the money, and split into several stacks - in his wallet, in his backpack, and in his left sock, just in case. it was important, he knew, not to flaunt it, or look like he had a lot of money - and then he wouldn't have any trouble. the eventuality of being robbed on the road was a distant thing, but he'd read the news! he knew things like that happened. then again, he struggled to imagine anyone would try to rob a twelve year old child. that sort of thing just couldn't possibly happen. but he'd promised mito-san to be cautious. so that's exactly what he was going to be.

at the airfield, several of the nice ladies in uniforms kept asking if he was lost, but all he wanted to find was the desk where he could purchase a ticket.

"where to?" the woman behind the counter asked. he had to rise on his tippy toes to peer over it, and smile at her.

"republic of padokea. to heaven's arena?"

the woman blinked. "i'm sorry, to where?"

gon frowned. the lady at the library had made it seem like it was a fialry well-known place.

"heaven's … arena? the battle site?" he tried again.

the lady blinked. again.

she cleared her throat. "right. uh… will you -that is to say… are any adults travelling with you?"

gon shook his head, and couldn't help the buoyant grin that split his face. "nuh-uh! but i'm meeting my dad there!"

that seemed to placate her. "oh, alright then. and that's just… one ticket, no return, is that it?"

gon nodded brightly. "yep!"

"well, the fastest way to get there will be a straight flight from here to yorknew, and then from yorknew to heaven's arena - that, with waiting time in the yorknew airfield, will be about … twenty seven hours."

"oh." gon said. that was a long time. but he'd heard airships were comfortable.

"since you're a child travelling alone, we can discount you and you can get an individual suite on the aircrafts, and i'll throw in a complimentary hot meal at the yorknew airfield, up to five hundred jenny in any of the airfield restaurants, does that sound okay?"

she was smiling at him, still cheerfully, and gon returned the grin back.

"that'a awesome! thank you so much! this is my first time travelling by airship, i can't wait!"

the lady's eyes softened. "aw, well i hope you enjoy it! will you be paying for your ticket, or shall we arrange for your dad to make a payment when he greets you at the padokean airfield?"

gon hadn't even known they could do that sort of things. "i'll pay," he said brightly. "he doesn't know i'm coming to see him - it's a surprise!"

"well, i just bet he'll be glad to see you," she reached over the counter and ruffled his hair while taking the money from his hand. "you're such a sweetheart."

gon nodded enthusiastically, as he waited for her to count out his change. he really, really hoped so. he hoped so more than anything else in the world.

he had some time before his ship's takeoff, so he meandered along the tall glass windoes overlooking the field, where all the massive ships were docked, and the people getting on and off. he played a game of trying to imagine little stories about who they were, and where they were going. there was a family with a mom, dad, and two little boys getting off the kakin royal airline ship. they must be, gon decided, rich doctors who are moving here, because of the climate, so their children can enjoy four seasons.

there was an old lady slowly meandering up the red walkway onto a ship marked with united states of saherta alpha airline - she must be on her way to visit her grandchildren after her daughter married into a sahertan family.

a man smoking a cigar and yelling into a cell phone was meandering towards a ship bound for glam gas land -an important businessman on his way to a conference, where he has a presentation to give, and he is stressed about it, but gon is sure he'll do great.

when his ship is finally called to board, he follows the groups of people bound for yorknew on the tarmac. there is a bright red carpet marking the path for all passengers to board. there's a lot of men in suits, surrounded by other men in suits in a diamond formation, climbing one after the other, and women dressed in bright silky dresses, their jewels glittering in the late afternoon sun.

there's also a lot of toursits, with backpacks and sunhats, and also slightly less-touristy looking guys with menacing glares and weapns, which gon labels for himself as "miscallaneous", and decides to steer clear of, unless they approach him first.

on the airship, one of the air hostesses - dressed in pretty red and gold uniforms, with jaunty hats tilted to the left, and decorated with duck feathers no less - show the passengers to their designated areas of the ship. most of the people go towards the general area, where there's seats, and a bar opens after takeoff, but gon follows the men in suits to the area with private suites.

the air hostess helps him heft his bag into the compartment, and urges him to put his seatbelt on until after takeoff. then he's left on his own in the room. he's got a nice comfortable sofa, a table, a small tv, and his own bathroom, as well as a menu for snacks. there's so many foods he hasn't heard of, but they have pictures, and a lot of it looks really good.

he takes his shoes off and curls up on the sofa, leaning his forehead against the window. very, very soon he's going to be off the ground. he's going to fly! he's going to see the clouds! he wonders if he'll be able to see much of yorknew from the airfield, and he hopes he does - he'll have some stuff to write to mito and abe-san!

he spends his hours on the plane reading through ging's diary, looking for more clues, and going over what he already knows about hisoka.

hisoka is a performer, and he likes an audience. he likes to do magic tricks. he likes to juggle, but card tricks are his specialty. he's got a good aim, and throws projectiles with ease. he has a nice singing voice, but his yorbian guitar string work requires some effort. he's an acrobat and gymnast, and he can do lots of stuff in the air! he has the most bright, bright red hair, and he likes to slick it back to keep it out of his eyes. his eyes are a bright golden-yellow, like a cat. he paints his nails sometimes. he's very tall, or at least, he's tall compared to ging. he's also a few years younger than ging, though gon still hasn't figured out how many years exactly.

that should give him a pretty good idea of who to look for. the search for hisoka on the library computers turned up a little bit more - hisoka was a performative fighter, and liked to put himself in danger. he'd climbed up the floors of the tower very quickly, according to the announcement for his upcoming fight. there was a photo of him too, and gon had stared at it on the pixelated screen until his eyes watered.

the man in the photo had red hair and golden eyes, alright. he was wearing elaborate, artistic makeup, a single teardrop painted under one eye, and a five-point star under the other, and he was smiling for the camera, but not looking directly at it.

in that moment, gon had just … stared, and stares and stared. this was, heaven's arena site informed, hisoka morow. and, ging's diary supplied, this was probably gon's father. now, when he closed his eyes, all he could picture was hisoka in that poster, announcing that if he won his next match, he'd be that much closer to becoming a floor master at heaven's arena.

if this was gon's father… if….   
  
well. if it wasn't, then he'd still gone on an amazing trip! and he'd just train himself for the hunter exam next year, and use all the clues in ging's diary to find him.

but he can't think that way yet, that's defeatist. he has to believe he'll find hisoka - that this is the correct hisoka. he has to.

in yorknew he uses his warm meal voucher, and has a nice lunch-dinner in one of the restaurants on the airfield. it's the tastiest noodles he's ever eaten in his life, because they're the closest noodles he's eaten to his father. to one of his fathers.

the trip to padokea from yorknew is only about three hours, and he's too high-strung and excited to do much of anything on the way. he is practically ready to vibrate out of his skin, so he paces his suite, and tries to focus on a game of cat's cradle with his fishing wire to quieten his hands and his thoughts. they can't land soon enough, in his opinion.

and as soon as the pilot announces they've touched ground, he's up from his seat, armed with his backpack, and ready to go! nevermind that it's around three in the morning.

he takes a private hire car from the airfield to heaven's arena. he can't quite believe his eyes when he steps outside. he looks up. and up. and up. and up. on one of these tall, tall floors is his father.

he practically runs into the building's brightly lit lobby. there's still people miling about, walking around, talking to each other. he runs up to the front desk, to get signed in.

the lady behind it smiles brightly, and prints out his ticket number - 4046, and directs him to the first floor. there's fights still going on, but not many, so he'll probably get a chance to fight quickly, she says.

he's not so sure how he feels about that. but it's not like he has a lot of other stuff to do, so he might as well get some training in. besides, maybe if he makes some progress up the floor, it will be that much more impressive when he finally meets hisoka.

he follows her direction into the entry hall, looking around, taking all the people in. it's so different here than on whale island - and the people are different too. he wants to know everything about them. there's even someone his age he spots coming out of one of the elevators. he must be fighting on one of the higher floors, then, and gon id filled to the brim with instant admiration that someone his own age is already so advanced. he'd got a head of fluffy white hair. his hands are shoved deep in the pockets of ripped blue jeans, and he's sucking on a lollipop, and looking like he cares about nothing and no one. he looks cool. gon follows him with his eyes, wondering what there is to do out on the town at 3 am. there's probably lots, though he's not sure how much of it would be child friendly.

gon quickly puts the other boy out of his mind though. the first floor ringmaster calls him forth pretty much as soon as he steps through the doors. there's even a few spectators out.

he's facing off against a bored looking older guy with a toothpick in his mouth, who gives gon a once-over and immediately dismisses him. gon can practically sense the disinterest rolling off him in waves. and nothing pisses him off more than being looked at with dismissal. he kicks the guy in the shin to bring him to his own level, grabs him by the neck, and knocks him out with a clean punch, before he can react. granted, if it wasn't 3 am, and the guy hadn't immediately written him off, it probably would have been a different story, but he still lets himself feel proud of his win, because it sends him straight to the 50th floor. 


	6. ging isn't ready

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ging spends most of this chapter considering an abortion, feel free to skip and move on to the next one, which is back to heaven's arena for us

 

_i know the nausea is meant to be normal. i have been told this, and i am aware. and yet, it is unbearable. mind, they call it "morning sickness", but it comes at all hours of the day, and i can hardly dare to eat anything, because less than an hour later, i've puked it all up. c. is very concerned for me, and i assume she is suspecting something. i am not showing just yet, but i know i will soon, and i must leave before that. i have not decided yet, that i neccessarily wish for the child growing inside me to remain. in fact, i am almost wholly certain that i do not, and it is a matter now of deciding how to go about it. i do not trust any of the doctors in this city, as whatever i do may end up going back to either p. or c, and i know they will not agree with my decision. well - p. might, but i don't want him knowing anyhow._

 

_ i may yet return to whale island - m. and a. are sure to know what to do in this situation. i imagine that there is some way - perhaps hemlock tea, or some such, that wouldn't require terrible amounts of work on my part. i can't help but feel immensely foolish, and even more so - for not acting sooner, but the expedition - the second part of it anyhow, could not be postponed.  _

 

_ my little passenger and i seem to get along fine for now, though he (or she, though i am confident it's a he) doesn't seem terribly happy with any of my choices for sustenance. i so regret having to evict him, but my life allows no room for a passenger, and i wouldn't know what to do with one anyhow, if i were to commit to having him.  _

 

_ i must get out of this city, and soon, and see a doctor that isn't in p.'s pocket. n. is planning something, i am told - some grand scheme of his or other, that involves us - me, p. c. and m. and a few others, though it's all very mum for now - he does enjoy his smoke and mirrors terribly, the clever old man.  _

 

_i thought i saw his old friend z. of the █████family coming out of his office the other day, and i am not entirely sure i approve of whatever scheme he is currently occupied with, not the least because p. seems to have an inkling, and is obscenely pleased by t he whole ordeal. i have heard rumors that they are considering p. for the position of ██████  and i couldn't be more disgusted, or disagree more, though it would explain why he is more insufferable than usual. i wish k. was here, though i am not certain he'd be on my side. i am also not certain if he'd take the news of my passenger well. even so, it seems for the better i not involve anyone. seeing z. did bring about an interesting idea that i moght just travel to padokea. the hospitals are reliable, and from there i may make my way to saherta for a look of the ruins off the southern coast, where i'm told reliably, was a pirate's water grave - fascinating stuff, if it is true. _

 

_ by the time k. catches up to me, or p. decides to join on a whim, as he is wont to do, there will be no passenger anymore, and all will be as it was before, with none the wiser, which i think may be what is best for everyone, in the long run.  _

 

_ as of writing this, i am in p.'s penthouse in swardani, and it's raining outside. i want to be on the road again, i am tired of being in one place. i miss k. i want to feel the sun again. my little passenger is quiet and heavy. i'm craving marshmallows and ghost pepper.  _


	7. meanwhile, hisoka

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> meanwhile, hisoka...   
> and we get to see killua!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh god, i really feel like i've lost my ability to channel hxh characters, i really fucking hate this chapter, but i got SUCH A lovely comment that made me want to update this fic!

killua makes his way into the private training gym on the 207th floor just as the sun starts rising in the sky, turning it to a pale grey. he expects to find illumi there, waiting as he had been for the last few weeks, but his brother is nowhere to be seen.

 

instead he is greeted by the sight of a shirtless hisoka delivering measured, methodical punches to a punching bag, the dull sound of his fist smacking contact the only noise in the room. then he switches position and delivers a spin kick that sends the bag clean across the room and into the wall. his hair is down, and around a face bare of makeup. killua takes the time to study his muscular back, with the spider tattoo, containing the number four. he has no illusions that he’s been noticed. much like him, hisoka is a hunter.

 

“where’s illumi?” he asks in liew of a greeting.

 

hisoka shrugs his broad shoulders. “my love is having one of his headaches today,” he says vaguely. “you’re stuck with me this morning.”

 

it’s not altogether terrible. illumi’s nen training is just as brutal and exhausting as every other kind of training he’d put killua through, but he can’t deny the usefulness of it. and he’d had a chance to see hisoka in action too.  
  
“now, i’m not too sure where you are, progress wise, and i’m sure love has given you some sort of schedule… so i wouldn’t want to upset that,” hisoka says absent-mindedly, running a hand through his hair to get it out of his face. “so i thought we could just have a little sparring match instead, and then i’ll take you for breakfast.”

 

he smiles, and his eyes crinkle ever so slightly. killua does not trust his smiles. he doesn’t trust hisoka at all. hisoka doesn’t seem to take it personally. ever since the hunter exam, when he walked into that clearing, and saw illumi and hisoka doing … _things_ he would really rather forget seeing them do, illumi had become a great deal more agreeable. almost like he didn’t want killua to tell their mom, or something. well. killua might have had to threaten him, just a little. but illumi really had been on his best behavior since then. he had always been indulgent – it would be unfair of killua to deny that, but these days, he was being downright spoiled.

 

it was a testament to illumi’s desperation that he’d simply thrown their match in the exam final, and let killua have an easy win for his license. it was strange to be in actual _cahoots_ with his eldest brother. he was in cahoots with milluki quite often, especially when it came to swindling their parents out of extra pocket money, and sometimes teamed up efforts with kalluto for the hell of it, to give mom a hard time, but he’d always sort of viewed illumi as an extension of their parents – practically a parent in his own right. 

 

it would have never occurred to him that illumi could be such a blatant hypocrite. “assassins don’t have friends this, the family comes first that –“ and then what? he finds illumi honking hisoka’s blowhorn in the middle of a forest? anger was not an accurate enough word for how it made him feel. disgust didn’t even begin to cover the black bile that rose in his throat and heart at illumi’s begging that he keep his mouth shut about it. when illum iswitched from begging to threatening, all he could feel was tired. tired, and sad and betrayed, because illumi had _lied._

 

what else had he lied about?

 

he’d come home only to wave his license in mom’s startled face, and then he’d absconded to heaven’s arena for quick cash. he was pretty sure dad was gonna cut his allowance off now that he had quit the family business, but heaven’s arena was just as much fun as he remembered it. he was in the hundreds in a week, and that’s because he was taking things slow.

 

he honestly hadn’t expected to run into illumi _or_ hisoka there.

 

and now he was getting his ass kicked sweetly and with feeling, and the worst part was hisoka really did seem apologetic when he was finally done trouncing him around the room three hours later.

 

he was already keenly aware that hisoka was completely out of his league. the sense of dread that lurked at the bottom of his stomach whenever hisoka’s sickly pink nen flared to life was just as pronounced as the feeling whenever he went on jobs with illu and dad, and got to see them decimate opponents like it was nothing. he was outclassed on so many levels, it was hard not to feel trapped in the gym. halfway through the spar, he’d stopped fighting to win – he was fighting to get to the door.

 

hisoka walked towards him with slow deliberate steps, holding his hands away from his body, making himself as unthreatening as possible, and held his hand down. if it was illumi, killua would have smacked it away, but hisoka wasn’t nearly as insufferable about their difference in ability, and more than that, always genuinely acted like fighting killua was a real challenge. it was flattering, even if he meant to patronize. and with hisoka, killua could never really tell.

 

he grasped hisoka’s forearm for leverage and hauled himself to his feet. everything hurt like he’d just taken ten rounds with a brick wall – which is pretty much what had happened. he was surprised that his hand came up bloody. had he managed to nick hisoka with his nails or something?

 

the magician quickly snatched his arm away. the pale skin there was perfect and unmarred. but killua’s fingers _had_ touched blood.

 he rarely got to see hisoka’s nen ability in action. even when he sparred with illumi, killua didn’t get to watch when things got really heated – presumably because things got … _heated._ which. _gross._

“why don’t we clean up and head out for some breakfast. i’ll treat you, because i am generous and magnanimous,” hisoka said brightly.

 

killua rolled his eyes. “i want fried doughnuts,” he grumbled. he always sparred on an empty stomach, and now he was starting to feel the need to eat a small food truck worth of chocolate to get his blood sugar back up.

 

hisoka’s smile was somewhere between condescending and delighted. “i’ll see what i can make happen.”

 

killua rolled his eyes again. it was kind of his default around illumi’s – nope – _boyfriend-_ nope!

 

he took his time showering, and choosing his clothes. if illumi was having one of his headaches, hisoka was bound to take his time upstairs, fluffing pillows and making tea and blacking out the windows – especially if it was a bad one. and if hisoka came out in full costume and makeup, it would be at least an _hour_ before he broke through all his adoring fans. because he had them, apparently.

 

he was one of the most popular floormasters in the tower. and it was _annoying._

 

he made sure his phone was charged, and pinged hisoka to let him know he’d be waiting on the lower floors. there was bound to be an interesting fight going on. some kid was making rapid progress through the pre-hundreds, apparently, which was weird in so many ways. killua had made a big splash with his own fast climb, even though now illu _insisted_ on keeping him in the hundreds until he’d fully mastered nen. if he had to be honest, killua was _not_ looking forward to fighting what would essentially be a hundred hisokas and illumis until he was at their level. not that he’d ever tell illumi that. as far as illumi was concerned, no one had ever suffered, or would ever suffer as much as killua was currently suffering having his progress stilted. for sure.

 

he meandered into the hall where the kid – z-something – was kicking ass in the ring. his fighting style was quick and rough – not as elegant as hisoka’s dancerly moves, or as precise as hisoka’s, but it was obvious he belonged to a martial arts school.

 

“the winner is ZUSHI!” the announcer declared, and then gushed some nonsense.

 

killua filed the name away in his brain. hanging around adults was fine and all, and hisoka made for good company whenever he was busy, but he had no burning desire to be around illumi more than necessary, and the other adults in the tower thought he was _creepy._ which… fair enough. he’d kicked more than a few of their asses. and he _had_ killed a few, althoguth that was right after arguments with illumi.

 

milluki absolutely refused to get in between them, and kalluto was always on illumi’s side like the little traitor he was, and killua was pretty sure hisoka only tolerated him to keep in illumi’s good graces, so he really did need to get some contacts his own age, who would _hopefully_ sympathize with him for having a _massive hypocritical_ asshole brother.

 

he hoped to catch zushi after his fight, but the kid ran up to some milquetoast dude with glasses, which – ugh – no kid who was at heaven’s arena was allowed to have a functional family, what _was_ this bullshit false advertising.

 

he meandered to the bottom floor lobby, to take the scope at the new signups.

 

the big screens were lit up with hisoka’s perfectly made-up face, advertising his upcoming fight with kastro. the only opponent hisoka hadn’t immediately killed in the ring.

 

he’d never seen hisoka fight for real. he wanted to see it, even though the thought made him sick.

 

by the time the magician _did_ emerge from the elevators, killua was both cranky _and_ hungry, but there was something lurking in hisoka’s eyes, behind the emptiness of his smile, that warned him off saying anything. how bad _was_ illumi doing today?

 

“i believe i promised you fried doughnuts?” hisoka said with false cheer. killua had met very few people who were so good at lying with their entire voice and body. but he could tell. he could always tell.

 

“yeah,” he said, because he didn’t feel like calling it out, and because he was hungry, and because he was afraid. hisoka would never say it – killua had grown to understand now, that hisoka liked to regard himself as someone infinitely courteous – which he was, right up until he slit your throat – but killua knew nonetheless. whatever was wrong with illumi – which was plenty – hisoka blamed killua for it. and so killua was on thin fucking ice with him.

 

“a magician always delivers on his promise,” hisoka said with aplomb. killua rolled his eyes.

 

they walked out together, keeping a leisurely pace.

 

killua caught out the corner of his eye a shade of green – another kid, roundabout his age – to scope out, if he wasn’t dead by the time they got back from breakfast. heaven’s arena was just like that sometimes.

 

they kept leisurely pace through the city. hisoka was wearing his heels, and though his face was serene, killua could read the tension in his shoulders.

 

yeah. he had to find some other people to hang out with, if he was going to stay here longer. at least he wasn’t at kukuroo mountain, where everyone was either related to him, and therefore annoying, or employed by him and therefore too scared for much of anything.


End file.
